Fear of Commitment & The Power of Agency

When I was younger I didn't like commitments. I felt restricted. Nowadays, when so many "adult decisions" are based on the illusion of stability or safety, commitments [think: steady job = steady $$] make common sense. Romantic relationships fall into this category, for most people. They don't want to be alone, so they bag a mate at about quarter-life, and try to ... ignore later indiscretions? Go with the flow of a changing relationship, life, partner?

Do people think about why they settle down? Why monogamy? I know lots of people think about that. But I wonder what happens when we honestly, with an open and informed mind, face the prospect of true commitment. Confront the fear. (If you never feared commitment, perhaps there is something wrong with you and you never spent enough time alone and really got to know yourself. Kidding. Then you probably can't relate.)

I think people crave predictability when they don't have it. Then they get it, and some thrive. Others get bored. What do you do?

As I become more serious with my boyfriend, I think about my prior fears, and wonder if they're still relevant. I'm still the same person. And then I found these great quotes. Not that they provided any answers, but some temporary mental relief. Especially the one by A.Morris -- its like she took the emotions out of my clay head and made them into a tree. Or something.

Here they are:
“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.” ~A. Morris

Well said. And discovered on a Starbucks cup.

Here's the 2nd one:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back-- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." ~Goethe

But then my rational criticism rears its head:

WHY does fear often surround commitment? Because options are eliminated, and one chooses a single path. Temporarily, or short term, this is liberating. Hence the magic of boldness. I love such magic. But the fear of commitment is the fear of closing doors. Uncertainty. Doubt. The quotes assume that once a choice is made, there is no going back. Does the magic happen only at the start? What happens when time fades the shiny surfaces of the things you once craved? Does being accustomed to something, or does comfort, make commitment unnecessary? Less relevant?

Is commitment a formal or legally binding agreement? Is it intangible, and exists in our hearts? Does true commitment fade? I believe you can be committed to someone-- even an idea-- at one point, and then later, through circumstance (or choice), that commitment is no longer relevant. No longer lasts.

This is the questioning that gets me in trouble! I think this is why people invented words like "trust" and "faith" -- so people like me are discouraged from such over-analysis.