cat hair? abundant. my life? nowhere to be found.

Cat hair is everywhere. Easy to find. But everything I wanted to do on nearly-28 and counting, well, its in the wings. Alan Watts would have a lot to say about this. "Trying to find yourself is the biggest ego trip going." [ok, its trying to lose yourself, but whatev.] Watts would say, "Nowhere is a word comprised of two other words, which get at the truth of the situation at hand: now, here your life is to be found." ok alan. point taken.

i'm distressed because i had my review today and got no money. i talked to jeff about it, let the tiger out of the cage, when i got home. (that's a non-sexual reference.) my issue is, it feels like i was hired to be stagnant. and that's the stupidest thing i can imagine. it's like theater of the absurd. "ok haley, we're gonna hire you to do one thing, change your job a whole lot, give you a whole lot more responsibility including managing people -- and we're not going to recognize you for this -- and then after all those changes are done, and you're good and adjusted, well then, stay the same. don't improve, don't strive for more, don't look ahead -- that's very dangerous. keep two feet on the floor and your head down, and always wear a dress." [remember that old joke from golden girls where sofia tells blanche to keep both her feet on the floor and blanche says that's cool, cuz she's wearing a dress.]

no money, no room for advancement, no new projects, no change, no advice for improvement on a personal or project level. no change in responsibility, no recognition for a job well done, and most importantly, no goal to aim my stern at, and buoys to pass through. that metaphor is lame, i know, but you'd think a job would want you to grow, ENCOURAGE you to grow. to give more to the company. "Wow, what a great asset we have here. Let's see what else she can do, and if she's really good, let's pay her to stay around for a long time."

I called my mom in the afternoon. I took a break and walked around the block. I realized I'd been starting at my computer screen and sitting on my ass for like 6.5 hrs straight and I should probably experience the sun today. So out into the elements, mom was shopping, and we ended up having a pretty good 15-min chat. we were talking about the nature of um, company cohesion, group morale and its waning importance, positive attitutude and its waning importance, and how the art/act of negotiation is disappearing rapidly. that negotiation pretty much isn't happening anymore. people are just lucky to have a job. or, they have a job, and want to keep it or want to move on, and that the work and the people and praise in front of others are more liekly to keep someone at a job than money. is this the current economy or is this a semi-permanent shift, we don't know. but stay tuned, we're certain to have the world figured out in about the next 2 weeks.

gosh, things don't really make sense. what a sham this whole "trying to plan for life" thing is.

remember reading shel silverstein when you were a kid? i do. i had to memorize that poem "ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too." do you think he was stoned when he wrote that? yah, i do. that poem didn't make sense at all. perhaps that's adults' interpretation of what's "fun" for a kid -- nonsense that rhymes and sounds funny. whatever, i do remember it fondly, but don't have any real memories associated with it.

its safe to say this schpiel is not only inspired by my lame review, but also this cool issue of INTERVIEW magazine I just thumbed through. Turns out, Andy Warhol founded/started/owned INTERVIEW, and apparently started it as "a tribute to ROLLING STONE." Cool. I get ROLLING STONE, too. My favorite thing in there is the "Threat Assessment." Anyway, I never knew much about Andy Warhol, and I even lived in Pittsburgh for a whole year. (he attended Carnegie Mellon there.) So this issue was dedicated or was a tribute to Warhol, and I learned so much about him by seeing his scary photos and reading quotes from his friends and circle of peers. He seemed to have a really captivating take on life, and held some beliefs I just am incapable of agreeing with (One friend said one thing people might not know about Warhol was that he didn't really have any opinions. Is that possibly true? How can that be true?) Regardless, he seemed open to what everyone had to say, including fierce critics (he told them they were right when they said he was a no-talent ass clown). He gave anyone a chance. He said art movements and the art world was dead, and that commercialism was where it was at. At INTERVIEW, he used to introduce people the way they wanted to be introduced; rather, with the title they wished they had. So he'd say, "You, average employee #28 named Shera Johnson, (in reality jsut an average employee), she is the owner of INTERVIEW." Awesome. Imagine how just that small gesture could change employee's attitudes, even though everyone knows its not true. It means you know your employees, one. Two, it means you're not threatened. I would love the chance to do this and see everyone smile from ear to ear.

The whole Andy Warhol introduction served to remind me of the creative group I used to have around, where you get to have any opinion you want and like whatever you want, and you don't have to have a reason for it. An idea was an idea, and people would entertain it, and some would even tell you it was shallow or not worthwhile, and others would think it was brilliant, and people would experiment with the way they viewed the world and their role in their surroundings. people in that environment believed that what they wrote mattered. but on a really, really basic level. not even on a level of conscious thought. The act [of writing] precedes the thought [that its meaningful, or it matters]. You write because you have something to say, and if nothing else, its in your head and it needs out and meaningfulness doesn't really factor into it, except in the a priori way of knowing that "I" is important to that subject. Did that make sense?

Perhaps irrelevant, but I am reminded of two quotes I like very much:
1. "At what point did people stop asking questions?"
2. "We are not here to answer questions. Just say you don't know."

And to everyone else, goodnight.