RANT: feminist / weddings

A note on feminist weddings

I am beginning to think they are possible. After reading some very encouraging articles and blogs today, and realizing that I could look at commitment ceremonies to help guide me (potentially).

I resent that because i don't want a girly, poofy dress wedding and i think diamonds are an extremely effective marketing scheme that i don't fall into, that i'm somehow less of a woman, or that i "must just not want to get married." or be married. my mom actually said to me on the phone last night, after an hour of struggling to explain WHY the importance of flowers is ridiculous to me (consumerism, hello), that i better think long and hard if this is what i really want to do, because i just seem so angry. "it doesn't seem like you really want to be married or that you want to do this, at all, so you better think if this is right for you."

i appreciate the "tough questions." i really do. i forgot that my family has some innate block to feminist ideas/ideals. lovely jefferson said, "it makes me want to say f--- it, let's just go somewhere and get married because i don't think you should have to deal with this." that's why i love the guy.

it's not even that the traditions are humiliating, its just that they're forced. it's like, "oh, you're getting married, please step into this box." um, no thanks. i want to be married, but the wedding industry is enough to make me gag. the creation of false necessities for profit. the encouragement of making women feel inadequate. that's a big part of it. what you currently have isn't good enough. you have to do better and be better than what you are. this is a public display as a prize and a public display of your greatness as a couple.

you know, i had a friend -- a close friend -- who did the same thing. She asked, "Why even get married if it makes you so angry?" The apt question is, "why does it make you so angry?" that is complicated and shaded by my trust issues and my own parents' divorce, but is largely influenced by everyone else's expectations. "you're not taking his name? oh. why not?" my response, often aimed at men: "do you want to change your last name? me neither. you never thought about it? me neither. you wouldn't do it? me neither."

it makes me angry because people automatically think because i love this man and want to spend my life with him, that now i am going to work and fret over stupid little details. i will do what i can to plan an event, but because the wedding industry says i need to dance and have a dj, it doesn't make the idea more attractive to me. what's some of my favorite times, or my favorite scene? I think of sitting on the back porch of Streets of London in summer in early evening, when its still light but not so blistering hot. Pitcher of beer, my guy, some friends, just chilling, talking, drinking, smoking cigarettes, shooting the shit. Casual. Laid back. Real. Who doesn't want to go chill with a pitcher at Streets? That's what I want, but somehow it's not really acceptable. Or/and, i don't know how to get it. (Plus, the food at Streets isn't really the good for a vegetarian. :) )

I'm really surprised I haven't written about this sooner. I think I will have many more feminist rants on weddings to come. Like 8 more months' worth.

Ah, an outlet. It's nice to talk and not have anyone talk back, asking me to justify my strangely feminist and counter-culture ideas. (it's like by being counter-culture, i'm subversive. somehow, a feminist bride is a threat to all the carefully placed cards in the house [of cards]. you know what i'm saying.)